Time

Posted on by Arise Within

I remember the times when I was little when days felt so long.  Summer vacation felt like it lasted forever.  Driving in the car for 30 minutes felt like hours.  


I remember the times when I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want life to pause.  I drifted off with hopes of fun dreams.  I only slept because of my exhaustion from playing with life.  


I remember the times when I didn’t care if I got dirty or got my hair wet at the pool.  I would make mud pies and spend so much time outside.  I would swim like a mermaid and see how long I could hold my breath.  


I remember the times where all I ever wanted to do is be with my friends.  We would make forts, play cards, listen to music, ride our bikes, write each other notes, and laugh so hard.  We would float down the ditch on our backs and look for water skippers.  


I remember the times when my mom would take care of us.  She would make us yummy food.  Take us to all our activities.  Nurse us to health with love when we were sick.  She would wake me up for school.  She would rub my head and back so softly.  


I remember the times when I used to think my parents’ bed or the couch was for gymnastics.  I would do summersaults and headstands.  I would do backbends off the edge of the bed.  I would jump on their bed or our couch like it was a trampoline.  

I now know time to go fast.  A day feels like a few hours.  I week feels like a couple days and a month sometimes feels like it blinks by.  Time does not slow down even for a second. 


I now know time to be a theif but in a bittersweet kind of way.  Time is bittersweet in the way that turns puppies into dogs and babies into men.  It’s in all the ways that make you realize how short life is.  Time makes you look in the mirror and think you look more and more like your parents or grandparents every day.  


I now know time to feel busy and rushed.  I don’t like this feeling.  I remember when time felt slow. I know that I can make it feel this way again.  It’s in moments like writing this that slow time down.  It’s in moments of ease or quiet that I feel time cease fire.  It’s in moments of peace in the moment that I feel time unclench its grasp.  


I now know that as time goes on and I am on this ride of life I may want to pause the ride in time but that is what makes life so enjoyable is because it just keeps going.  Life truly is relearning what you knew as a child.  It is remembering how to calm your nervous system and feed your soul.  It is about reclaiming the fun and joy that slows down time.  


I now know that my favorite people are my favorite because when I am with them I don’t feel time ticking away.  In fact I love being with them because I am in the moment and in the moment time doesn’t feel so bad.  It is when we dwell in the past or future that time feels heavy.  


I now know that time is a gift.  Some don’t get much time to live on this wild Earth.  Some live each day with more passion because they know this or they had to say goodbye to someone too soon.  It makes that zest for life stronger.  


Time on a clock ticks in its incessant way but time and the calender only exist because we created it for schedules and to follow the rythm of the Earth.  Making time for fun and play seems like the greatest endevor with the greatest reward.  


Time for more joy.

Us

Posted on by Arise Within

How do I write when my mind is always racing by thinking the next thing?

I want to let it out on this page and see what comes out of me.

It feels hard and stiff letting it out and I think there is nothing in me worth writing about.  

A long time ago my teacher said my writing made no sense and I gave up my favorite thing.

Could this block be over?  Could I let it go and let the poison of someone else not be my truth?

I feel ready.  I feel ready to flow.  I feel ready to let go.  I feel ready to see what I have to say.  

I have been listening to a writer who puts her words with her husband’s beats. It inspires me.  

She says things that move me inside.  They take me on a journey with my mind that feels nice.  

I have always wanted to write a song.  I used to think I would be a songwriter.  

My dad got me a guitar and lessons with his friend when I was 18 but it didn’t stick.  

I would listen to Coldplay and imagine making my own music.  

I remember that girl so lost and sad about the world.  I had little confidence in myself.  

I knew I was good inside but somehow I also didn’t believe it.  

I felt most of life didn’t add up.  I felt the sadness of my family and the world.  It was passed down to me.

I have been feeling more free from it.  I have been shaking off the depression that is in my mind and on my skin.  

I use gratitude and acceptance like a healing salve on my life.  It washes over me and I see and feel color again.  

I feel excited when I am grateful.  I am even grateful for the girl inside of me that feels sad.  I take her with me and give her flowers and love.  

She is me and I am her.  She will always be a part of me.  In the background I hold her hand and show her how kind others are.  

I show her how to expect good.  I show her that the world is mostly good.  I ask for hugs and I let her feel the warmth and love when the hug penetrates my heart.  

She always helps me see when others are sad and need extra love.  She makes me more kind and compassionate.  

I am proud of us.  We are enjoying life. We are even thriving.  We trust that whatever life brings we will continue to reach for joy.  

I am proud of my journey.  I feel free inside.  I feel good.  I am who I was always meant to be.

In the shadow I see the light always has been guiding my way.  I release blame and judgment.  I forgive myself and others.

We all are doing our best.  Love and kindness is the way.

Little girl you are me

Posted on by Arise Within

I feel very heavy for many reasons. I feel void of creativity and me. I feel incredibly lost in the mix. I feel so much. It feels like a sad time to be alive and at the same time a special time to be alive. I sit right now with a cup of tea called, Positive Energy with raw honey melted to the bottom of the cup. It is my first sugar in four days. I need the positive energy today.

Yesterday, I felt so high I could explode with so much joy and today I feel a pit in my stomach gnawing with fear. How can a mind change so much in a day?

I try too hard to be perfect all of the time. I just can’t be perfect all the time. When I feel the need to be perfect all of the time I don’t truly live. I know why I am a perfectionist. I know it stems from childhood stuff. I can remember when I was 5 years old not able to sleep unless I organized my shoes all in a straight row. I like to have order in my home. I guess it makes me feel safe or in control of something. I see more and more with time that it is just a distraction from myself.

Another distraction I love is music. It helps calm myself. When I listen to music it helps my brain slow down. My brain wants to think and predict. My brain just wants to run the show. It is a messy hoarders house inside my mind. Outside of myself it is all clean and in order but inside I like to hide all the feelings I have. I have a lot of feelings. I feel so much that doesn’t make sense.

I at times feel like the little girl I once was would say that I am not who she wanted me to become. I am serious. I am a boring adult. I watch my kids play and barely know how to play myself. If I play I might not be ready for something bad to happen. I might not be worrying about all the things that could happen and it will for sure happen when I am dancing or playing. Wont it?

I used to dance when I drank. Now when I dance I am thinking way too hard about it. I feel stiff. I feel funny. I feel terrified. I also feel alive and fun. I feel like I’m doing something very important. I feel that little girl I once was is happy when I dance.

That little girl is so special. She is excited about life. She sees a butterfly and feels the feeling of flight deep in her soul. She sees the colors of the butterfly and is in awe of nature. She wants to follow the butterfly and not go to the bank or the grocery store. The butterfly calls her to be free.

Yesterday, I saw the number 555, 5 different times. It made me feel high. As I was telling my oldest how I saw the number 555, 4 times we saw it again together right at that moment. I feel like I am yearning for signs from spirit.

What is it to be stressed? I know that I can feel stress inside. It feels like stress is tension. We walked passed broken glass today. Stress sometimes feels like you are going to drop something. Stress makes you feel like you are going too fast. Stress makes me feel tired.

Most of the time I think I do good with stress. I have a strong faith that we are here for a reason. I have a strong faith that I am being guided. I believe in good. I know that I am not here to be dehydrated of my joy. I know that a lot is out of my control. I also know that I need to have days where I feel heavy so that tomorrow maybe will feel lighter.

The little girl and this woman I have become are good. We are fun. We are empathetic. We are so very kind and thoughtful. We are trying our best. We make dinner every night and pay taxes. We dance and even play. We think ahead. We change our diet even when our mom isn’t the one telling us to stop eating chocolates every day. We do so much on our own. We go to dentist appointments and pay our bills with auto pay. We even sometimes follow a butterfly and then wonder what the butterfly knows.

We are a mess on the inside sometimes and sometimes we let the floors get dirty and dance barefoot in the mess because life is usually good when it is messy. Who cares what anyone thinks. Who cares what the woman thinks when the girl should be running the show. She is pure love. She deserves to lead sometimes. She knows how to live. She knows what is important. Then the woman steps in and brushes her teeth and takes her vitamins. We are both doing pretty good. We feel less heavy after writing this.

Eat to Live

Posted on by Arise Within

Since I started this blog yesterday,  I have been thinking about what I will write about.  The usual chatter started in my mind.  No one will read it.  Why not continue writing to yourself?  You don’t have a college degree and people will see how you always forget to put an R at the end of your because you get so excited when you are writing and don’t care to proof read.  I also thought, what do I have to say in this world of so many amazing people?

It’s hard to believe the chatter when I put it on this blank page but it comes and I almost let it and then I say, NO!  I am one of the amazing people.  I could almost cry seeing those words and finally believing them.  I have had a year of tears so I feel tears are not what I need right now.  Right now,  I need to shine light on my thoughts and share them.  It feels brave and it feels like I am doing something.

I wanted to tell a little bit about myself in this post.  What better way to convey who I am than with food because we truly are what we eat.

I will begin when I was just a baby or more technically speaking, a toddler.  I know that when I first had teeth to chew meat I would never want to swallow it.  I know that as a little girl I never wanted to eat an animal.  This was the start of my eating disorder.  Some of my first memories around food were waiting until my mom would walk out of the room so I could spit the meat in a napkin.

Skip ahead to about the age of 10.  My aunt told me about vegetarians.  I thought, this makes sense, I am a vegetarian.  I felt I found some truth as to who I was.  I felt like I was seen.  As a mother I understand that making a separate meal for your child is not a good idea really at all because it isn’t very realistic, so when I asked my mom if she was alright with me not eating meat her response now makes sense but at the time I felt like a betrayal and for many years I have felt this way.  My mother simply said, “you will have to fin for yourself then.”  I remember it like it was yesterday.  After this, I swear everything changed.

I remember trying so hard to be healthy.  I remember our refrigerator filled with meat, cheese, and skim milk.  There were chips here and there but there was barely any fruit or veggies.  I turned to chips and still have a love hate relationship with them today.  We moved across town and I don’t remember eating as a family really ever again except for holidays.

Fast forward to a few years later.  I am a teenager.  My family is changing and I am watching it happen.  It is really sad and I want to have a connection still so I start drinking coffee with milk and white sugar with my mom in the morning before school.  This becomes a thing we do together but it leaves me feeling crazy every day and not able to eat all day long.  Still, I think, my mom and I have a connection still and this is all that I want really even if I couldn’t see it then, I see it now.

I also started smoking at this age.  Another thing that my mother did that I thought was so cool.  My first cigarette left me so sick but I was determined to get addicted and because I am a powerful manifestor, smoking became my life.   This may sound like I blame my mother for all my struggles but I promise that I have no regrets.  I truly don’t and I see that she was doing the best that she could.  Smoking, however, with caffeine only made me feel less hungry (I will delve deeper into cigarettes later).

One day, maybe at about 14,  I noticed that I was getting bigger thighs.  I confided in my mother and told her that I had dimples on my legs and my thighs were growing.  The way she handled it really was terrible.  She laughed and said, that it was all downhill from there.  Alright, I know I am sounding like a victim here but now being a mother to an almost teen, I see the scars and it feels good to illuminate them.  She was a great mother in so many ways but truthfully this is when I started to become bulimic.

I don’t blame anyone.  It is part of the society that we live in.  I watched a show on a girl who would throw up and hide it and I was sold.  I felt every time I purged I was letting out all my pain.  Every time I went to the porcilain god I could let it all go.  Every injustice was flushed away.  My mother caught me and was so angry.  So I got better at hiding.  This is when anorexia came in.

I remember asking my friend one night, “how can I be alive when I haven’t eaten in a week?”  I would do this all of the time.  It felt like I had power over something.  I felt like the anger that I had could be taken out on my “big” thighs that were going to take me downhill in life.  This is when I started to become disgusted with myself and seek approval through my appearance and my voice started to fade into the dark.

I would wonder what bulimia was doing to me but I didn’t care.  All that I cared about was feeding this beast inside of me that felt nothing was right about life.

This is some heavy shit!  Wow….I think about this stuff all of the time but sharing it, wow.  Do I want this to be part of my present story?  Do I want people who know me to know this about me?  Am I bringing my past to the future.  Yes, I am and it feels bad and good.  Still, it feels like a healthy purging so I will continue.

At this age, so many things started happening.  Boys for instance.  I felt if I got their approval than that was the best way to know my worth (this seriously is for another post as well).  I was confused that guys liked my thick thighs and curves.  I felt safe with guys because they loved me for who I was.  It felt really nice.  My hair and makeup became my most important tool in life.  I would wake up sometimes two hours before school to get ready.

Oh yes, this is about food.  At school, my mom would give me $5 dollars for lunch.  This was enough for my BF to buy me a pack of cigarettes, a zebra cake, and cool ranch Doritos.  I am not kidding this is what I would eat every single day.  I wasn’t the only one doing this at this age either.  All of my friends were doing the same.  No one said a thing.

This is getting long so I will fast forward to right before I got pregnant.  I was about 23.  My eating disorder was getting kind of bad at times of high stress.  I would exercise and eat kind of healthy by this age but still purge at times and always starve myself.  I truly believed that if I didn’t look a certain way than my life would be over.  I would gain weight and that would be when I was at my lowest.  I seriously thought if I had any fat on my body than I was a terrible person and the world would reject me.

The day that I bought a pregnancy test I went into my bathroom with a cigarette lit in hand and knew it would be my last one (I started smoking again when my son was about 6 months).  At first being pregnant was terrible for me because I had to eat food.  It was truly hard for me but this is when the mother that I always wanted to have kicked in and I started to take care of myself and my tiny little baby.  I felt him kick and I knew I could be a good mother.  I knew I could take care of my body.  I ended up gaining so much weight while pregnant because I was so underweight before that.  Truthfully, I never felt so good.

I threw up one time while I was pregnant.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember kneeling on the floor staring into the thrown that I had hugged for so long, thinking, I am a terrible mother.  It wasn’t truth and it didn’t feel right so I made a promise.  I thought if I was given this gift inside of me that I already made me feel so loved, than I could do anything.  I promised God and myself that I would never do it again.

Since I have been a mother, I have purged only a few times just to give it a try.  It left me with so much guilt.  Still, I never made a promise to stop starving myself, so that has been one of my drugs of choice over the years.  Never taking it too far but still feeding the beast.  I love to feel empty or that is what I have thought.

Today, I still have a hard time with food.  Being a mom really did help me be a mother to myself but this last year I felt a strong urge to starve myself again.  I could go on and on about my reasons why but I will save that for later as well.  I got in a bad habit of not eating all day.  My husband never really said anything because he too likes to eat and keep going like me.  Well, that is what we have thought.  We have thought to keep up with our fast paced lives that we could skip meals.  We thought eating together at dinner was enough.

If you are still with me….thank you and please know I am almost done.

Last month we went to Mexico.  We arrived in the afternoon.  We went to dinner.  I don’t travel much so I was just taking it all in and to be honest had a pretty high level of anxiety about the food.  However, the owner of the place we went helped me settle in.  He came by and made us feel an experience at his restaurant that helped shape our entire trip.  He served us in such a manner that deeply made me feel loved.  He made me feel the way my mom would make us feel at dinner before I gave up meat or tried my best to.  Okay tears of joy are falling.

I have realized that when my stomach gets full I feel guilt.  I feel guilt for so many reasons.  I feel bad about eating animals but I also feel bad about the people who have no food.  I feel bad about the chemicals.  I feel bad about colon cancer in my family.  I feel bad about getting overweight and people not loving me anymore.  I feel bad about my family growing apart when I was little.  I feel bad for hurting my body.  My full stomach is a foreign feeling to me.

I am learning to teach my gut to feel good when it is full.  I am  learning to take care of myself.  I am learning that I am taking care of myself not for others approval but because I care about me.  I am teaching my son what at the time my mom struggled to do with me.  She was trying to work, cook, clean, and do everything for us mostly alone.  She did a freaking great job in so many ways.  I am teaching my son that food is the biggest part of his success.  I can feel when he is hungry and I make sure he is always fed but yet at times I give and don’t give to myself.

I am working on it.  Mexico slowed me down.  Sure maybe every meal isn’t going to be a huge ordeal and a peaceful experience but I’m willing to put my energy there.  I’m willing to feed myself as well because that is what adults do and starving my brain and my body of nutrients really makes my life harder.  It truly does.

I am Melissa Adams Maness and this week I have had breakfast every single day except I did skip yesterday but today I am eating a banana.  I will not change over night but any habit that you start and decide to make will in time grow.  Any habit!!

I read this quote at about 20 years old that really helped me for a while.

Eat to live, not live to eat.

It helped me so many times to eat a snack really fast.  It made me think that eating is a thing that you rush through to keep on living but I have learned that eating is living.  Most of our money and energy on this planet is to make food.  I love french fies, candy, and chips.  I have learned to really crave unhealthy things but again the habit of putting healthy things in my life becomes a habit when I decide it is and practice.  I truly would rather be a little curvy and feel good than what I have done in the past.  I am learning and I am growing.  This post was fun to write.  I like this blog thing.  It feels good so far.

Bee Grateful

Melissa

1st Post

Posted on by Arise Within

I have thought about starting a blog for years now but never could seem to find the time.  The time is now.

I’m not totally sure what will be on my website.  I know that there will be stuff on yoga, photography (mostly iPhone or go pro photos), food, hiking, gardening, music, self help, and so much more.  In the future, I would love to share the art that I am creating and the events I go to with our small honey business.

Some may wonder, why would you want to write personal stuff and share it?  I have given this much thought.  Why not share it?  Maybe only one person reads my words and they might resonate something with them and maybe they don’t and that is alright as well.

I just have so many thoughts and I need to write them down.  It is something that I have felt like I should do.

After the death of my mother, I searched for something she might have written.  All that I found were her many check books, calendars, and cards. I still have a few today.  Maybe it might seem silly to save such things but our words after we are gone or while we are alive can paint an image of who we really were or are.

I hope to paint many images here of who I am through my words and photography.  I want to share my journey in this life.

WE are in this together.  WE are the hope of this planet.  WE are good.  WE can love ourselves today for who we are.  WE can forgive and get past so much but WE have to water one another to rise up.

I am still becoming.  I do not claim to have my life together.  Actually, it is the complete opposite.  If you know me you know this.  Still, I feel like at many times I could have given up on life and the strongest thing that I have ever done is not give up.  I feel this page is not only inspiration for others but also a way to reflect on my own journey.  Thank you for joining in and please leave comments if you ever feel called to do so.

Love and light to all of you.

Bee Grateful

Melissa