I remember the times when I was little when days felt so long. Summer vacation felt like it lasted forever. Driving in the car for 30 minutes felt like hours.
I remember the times when I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want life to pause. I drifted off with hopes of fun dreams. I only slept because of my exhaustion from playing with life.
I remember the times when I didn’t care if I got dirty or got my hair wet at the pool. I would make mud pies and spend so much time outside. I would swim like a mermaid and see how long I could hold my breath.
I remember the times where all I ever wanted to do is be with my friends. We would make forts, play cards, listen to music, ride our bikes, write each other notes, and laugh so hard. We would float down the ditch on our backs and look for water skippers.
I remember the times when my mom would take care of us. She would make us yummy food. Take us to all our activities. Nurse us to health with love when we were sick. She would wake me up for school. She would rub my head and back so softly.
I remember the times when I used to think my parents’ bed or the couch was for gymnastics. I would do summersaults and headstands. I would do backbends off the edge of the bed. I would jump on their bed or our couch like it was a trampoline.
I now know time to go fast. A day feels like a few hours. I week feels like a couple days and a month sometimes feels like it blinks by. Time does not slow down even for a second.
I now know time to be a theif but in a bittersweet kind of way. Time is bittersweet in the way that turns puppies into dogs and babies into men. It’s in all the ways that make you realize how short life is. Time makes you look in the mirror and think you look more and more like your parents or grandparents every day.
I now know time to feel busy and rushed. I don’t like this feeling. I remember when time felt slow. I know that I can make it feel this way again. It’s in moments like writing this that slow time down. It’s in moments of ease or quiet that I feel time cease fire. It’s in moments of peace in the moment that I feel time unclench its grasp.
I now know that as time goes on and I am on this ride of life I may want to pause the ride in time but that is what makes life so enjoyable is because it just keeps going. Life truly is relearning what you knew as a child. It is remembering how to calm your nervous system and feed your soul. It is about reclaiming the fun and joy that slows down time.
I now know that my favorite people are my favorite because when I am with them I don’t feel time ticking away. In fact I love being with them because I am in the moment and in the moment time doesn’t feel so bad. It is when we dwell in the past or future that time feels heavy.
I now know that time is a gift. Some don’t get much time to live on this wild Earth. Some live each day with more passion because they know this or they had to say goodbye to someone too soon. It makes that zest for life stronger.
Time on a clock ticks in its incessant way but time and the calender only exist because we created it for schedules and to follow the rythm of the Earth. Making time for fun and play seems like the greatest endevor with the greatest reward.
Some moments are so great they are hard to just leave behind.
Raising my first born or meeting my husband.
My youth and fun times.
Getting woken up by my mother for school with her soft, kind voice.
Buying our first home and building a treehouse.
Our wedding.
Building my own fort with my friends in the woods when I was young.
My first kiss.
Summer vacations that felt like they lasted forever.
Riding my bike to the pool with enough money to buy an icecream with my sister with tan skin, and not a care in the world.
Stealing flowers from the neighbors with my Grandmother in the early morning
Listening to all of my favorite songs for the first time.
My first year of sobriety.
Selling my first jar of honey at the farmers market or my first painting.
Finding out I was pregnant after 8 years of wishing for a baby.
Becoming a yoga teacher after many years of dreaming of it.
Painting.
Swimming in the ocean in Mexico with my FAMILY.
Having a family.
Buying a house with land.
I could keep going because my life is so precious to me.
I am wanting to look back and see how much I have lived and loved.
I am not headed back and I know I need to turn my gaze ahead.
I know there is so much more life to live and I must let go of what has come to pass to truly live in the present.
I feel a little stuck in between. One step in the past and one in the present. I tug at my foot in the past and I find my shoe has something sticky on it with fear of the unknown and fear of change. I look back like it’s a blueprint to figure out who I am.
I think that life is all about figuring out who you are and sharing your true self with others.
It’s okay to feel stuck. I won’t stay here for long. I have felt this way before. I know what to do.
I am honoring the life I have lived. I am enjoying creating a new future every day. There can be a time of in between and it can be a part of my story. I am the one creating my life. Slowly, I unstick my foot and trust. I see myself trusting in the moment. I see myself softening to this new feeling life. I am up for the challenge. I am ready to be who I need myself to be. I am happy with my ordinary life. I am ready to get into the world more. Life is in front of me and I am letting go but never forgetting the beautiful existence I have been able to live.
How do I write when my mind is always racing by thinking the next thing?
I want to let it out on this page and see what comes out of me.
It feels hard and stiff letting it out and I think there is nothing in me worth writing about.
A long time ago my teacher said my writing made no sense and I gave up my favorite thing.
Could this block be over? Could I let it go and let the poison of someone else not be my truth?
I feel ready. I feel ready to flow. I feel ready to let go. I feel ready to see what I have to say.
I have been listening to a writer who puts her words with her husband’s beats. It inspires me.
She says things that move me inside. They take me on a journey with my mind that feels nice.
I have always wanted to write a song. I used to think I would be a songwriter.
My dad got me a guitar and lessons with his friend when I was 18 but it didn’t stick.
I would listen to Coldplay and imagine making my own music.
I remember that girl so lost and sad about the world. I had little confidence in myself.
I knew I was good inside but somehow I also didn’t believe it.
I felt most of life didn’t add up. I felt the sadness of my family and the world. It was passed down to me.
I have been feeling more free from it. I have been shaking off the depression that is in my mind and on my skin.
I use gratitude and acceptance like a healing salve on my life. It washes over me and I see and feel color again.
I feel excited when I am grateful. I am even grateful for the girl inside of me that feels sad. I take her with me and give her flowers and love.
She is me and I am her. She will always be a part of me. In the background I hold her hand and show her how kind others are.
I show her how to expect good. I show her that the world is mostly good. I ask for hugs and I let her feel the warmth and love when the hug penetrates my heart.
She always helps me see when others are sad and need extra love. She makes me more kind and compassionate.
I am proud of us. We are enjoying life. We are even thriving. We trust that whatever life brings we will continue to reach for joy.
I am proud of my journey. I feel free inside. I feel good. I am who I was always meant to be.
In the shadow I see the light always has been guiding my way. I release blame and judgment. I forgive myself and others.
We all are doing our best. Love and kindness is the way.
Last year, I was at an event with my youngest son. There was maybe a hundred people there. It was really fun. We sat and ate some ice cream under a tree in the shade. I had a wish or longing in my heart. I felt deeply that I wished I had a grandma for Theo there with me to enjoy the moment. A few moments later an older woman came and sat right down with us. She pulled out a half a loaf of banana bread and said that she brought it to give to someone. She gave it to us. We ended up hanging out with her for maybe a half an hour and Theo just loved her. My heart felt full. I knew that my desire had attracted this woman to us.
A few months passed and Theo saw this lady at the pool. He yelled out her full name. I was blown away and so was the lady that Theo remembered her first and last name perfectly. We were all touched and Theo went into her arms hugging her like she was his grandmother. We have seen her many times at the pool since and every time he loves her like his family.
For months we looked for her at the hot springs pool all winter long. We were missing our friend. Yesterday, my husband wanted to go to the pool and sure enough the lady was there. Theo came up to her and went right in her arms. She held him like they were the closest of relatives or friends. He let her hold him for quite some time. I have to add that Theo is not this way often. He in fact can come off as shy when he is around people he doesn’t know.
The lady told us that she had to have two surgeries and that is why she wasn’t at the pool for some time. We visited with her for about an hour and then said good bye. We walked across the pool to the end to get our stuff. Theo is getting to be a great swimmer but can only swim a little bit. He saw the woman at the side of the pool taking a photo for a group of people. Theo jumped from my arms and started to swim to the woman. I stayed by his side as he swam like I never have seen him swim before. He swam across the pool with such gusto. He made it all the way to the woman. She was thrilled and touched. Theo hugged her again and we said our goodbyes for the second time.
Later last night I asked Theo, “who do you think needed the love more you or the woman?” Theo said, “we both really needed the love.” I truly was touched by my son and this woman. It has warmed my heart. It is amazing how prayers, desires, and dreams can become reality in a blink of an eye. I appreciate strangers that become family. This woman isn’t just loved by us, I have found she is loved by many. She is a very special soul.
Family is not always blood. As I watched this woman hugging my son I imagined my mom’s soul coming inside of her. I almost could see her wrapping her arms around her grandson. This lady has become Theo’s, “pool grandma” which she has named herself. Moments like these make me believe in magic and miracles. My heart is full and Theo is loved greatly. Life is truly beautiful.
My heart is a fragile container that holds every moment she has absorbed. She holds on tightly with love and her constant worry for others. It is something she has done for most of her days. If I focus outside of myself it feels distracting. When I do look inside I see that I am all that I judge in others.
Should we live in our mind, heart, or both? If my heart feels like it holds my worry and my brain is where the worry churns and stirs, then which is at fault for my constant state of fear?
Somedays feel easy but my go to is worried. It is so tiring. I am going to stop. Every day, I will breathe into the tightness I have inside and let life unfold. Life has shown me in so many ways to trust even if I tend to focus on all of the ways that life didn’t happen how I thought it should I see that it is happening how it is.
Even if life feels cruel I can see all the beauty and goodness. A heart is meant to stay open. A heart is meant to move your energy around your body. A heart is not meant to worry. When I try to take on the problems of our world or people I love I feel heavy. When I give worry to the wind tethered to a prayer I feel hopeful and light.
Do I believe we should live from the mind or heart? I feel if we are in the moment, really in the moment, we are living in complete balance with our heart and mind. They are not enemies but the best of friends. Somehow the mind gets a little less loud when we surrender into what the heart needs.
I am reminded to take care when it comes to what I feed my mind and heart. This world can feel sick and unkind if you search for this. This world and people can also feel very beautiful, tenderhearted, and good if you search for this.
Every day, I plan on looking in the direction of hope. Maybe this doesn’t make me joyful all the time but I do feel like a funneled focus towards hope is the most symbiotic direction to aim for. It leaves me feeling open to be delighted by life and truly believe in living differently than I ever really have before.
Ease and flow sound nice to this overthinking mind and deeply feeling heart. My heart might feel fragile and my mind screaming at times but I believe I am getting better with time. I believe in change for the better and I believe in finding good in the moment will always serve your highest good. It’s not that I have ever lived in a wrong way, I just feel that I am reaching to live even more in harmony with each moment. It feels so nice.
Deep down I feel another way. I see how I get in my way when I go in another’s lane. I get distracted by looking outside of myself. It’s how I learned to survive but I wish to thrive.
I reach and reach for ideas on how to be. I forget that I know who I am. All the noise in this life is loud but I know how to get quiet. The silence isn’t scary.
In solitude I remember. I see she is so good. She has made excuses to hide. She thought if it all looked good than she would feel good inside.
She keeps it all together but feels like she could fall apart. She taught herself to sew the cracks shut. In the silence though she allows herself to open. She sees that the light of day puts warmth on the cracks.
She isn’t broken. Life had given her so much love. She decided to focus on this. This direction of thought attracted more love.
There is a well deep inside her that is a never ending supply of good. She remembers she can reach there instead of outside herself. She knows that getting in her own way is innocent. Her creating her own suffering has been a way back to herself. She allows what could be as her new way.
Since I was a young girl I have cared what people thought of me. I can’t even tell you when it started because its all that I can remember of myself. I have always wanted to make people happy. It started with my parents approval and then it went with me to school and with my peers. I also wanted people to think I was beautiful because our society always has seemed to worship beauty.
Somewhere along the road of life I found out how I could get attention and approval. A lot of the time I didn’t get attention by being a good girl so I did the opposite. I also started to notice how you looked on the outside really seemed to matter so much. I could see how my friends who wore brand names got more popularity.
When I was in 4th grade my parents made the hard decision for me to repeat 3rd grade. This is when the story that I wasn’t smart started (this is for a different post). I right away made new friends but did get made fun of a little about going back a grade. I decided to make fun of myself. I started to act weird to keep people on their toes. I thought if I was funny and rebellious that could get me attention. That year I stole mail from a mailbox with friends. This started my path to rebellion.
By 5th grade, I was smoking cigarettes on the play ground and burning money because I would say that I hated how society was. It is really funny and sad to think about. My teacher saw me smoking on the playground and when she brought me into the office I said that I was pretending to smoke on an ink pen and I called her a bitch. I got my first in school suspension. I remember thinking that I was bad. I know now that I just was looking for attention and approval. I wonder now if I did it to make people think I was tuff? At the age of 11 I would sniff markers to try and get high.
Also at this time I was starting to care about my appearance a lot. I started to wear makeup and want to dress nice. I also remember being depressed seeking approval constantly. I was also boy crazy. I would seek approval of the boys. I started to hang out with new friends that were also like me. Still there was this need to make people happy. It’s like my tuff side was just there to hide my kind and sweet side.
I remember having to go talk with the counselor at the school about something. She was so nice and gentle. She listened to me and looked me in my eyes. I remember this moment so well. I decided that day that I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to help people. However this didn’t serve me well because I would attract people that were hurting for all of my years of school including myself. I didn’t really know I was hurting at the time. I just thought something was wrong with me. I again thought I was bad.
Then began eating disorders, drug use, unprotected sex, sneaking out, stealing, lying, and the list goes on and on. I also see now that I would do anything for anyone. I would try to help anyone that I could to get their love. I see that my family life was hard. At the time though it is all that I knew. I can’t talk bad about my parents. They truly were doing the best that they could. I can say that my mother and father were dealing with their own stuff from childhood. I see now that I was acting out because of society and my family. I see I so badly wanted attention and love.
Jumping forward to today, I am still this girl. I see it so much at times. I still want approval and attention. Sure I feel I seek both approval and attention in healthy ways mostly but I still see this young woman inside of me today. I still care so much about my appearance. In a lot of ways I have always felt bad for caring about my appearance and now I have worked on feeling ok with caring about it. It just makes me feel good to take time for my body and appearance. I used to do it for others but now I will just do it when I’m at my house just for me.
Being skinny is something that I have tried hard to let go of. When I got completely sober 5 years ago I gained about 35 pounds. I realize when I was smoking pot it made me anxious all of the time and would take away my appetite. Now, I feel like being less anxious and a little fluffier is better than feeling literally crazy all of the time. In 2021, I lost 20 lbs. It felt really good. I had to really watch everything that I ate. It made me feel crazy again. I got vertigo and felt angry a lot. I gained all the weight back in a couple of months. Now, I don’t even weight myself. I eat what I feel like eating. Yes, I would like to eat less of somethings and more of other things but overall I feel pretty good about how I eat.
Speaking of today and on the topic of approval and attention I feel like talking about social media. Since My Space first came out I got addicted. I loved it for many reasons. I do think it came from a healthy space. It was like an online journal or place to have something of your own to share. I have spoke about this before but when my mother died I craved information about her and I feel like social media is a place to hold memories. I just instantly loved social media.
My phone reminds me of things from many years ago. I even find things that I posted when my first son would say funny things when he was little and those memories are priceless. Somewhere along the line though I started posting yoga photos. I remember thinking it was a good way to stay with the practice and in a lot of ways it really did help me connect with other yogis and practice more. Then I started to get addicted to the approval and the image. I would want to take a photo everywhere we would go. I don’t think it was a bad thing but I see how in some ways it would take away from many moments. It motivated me in a lot of ways but I also see how it was another way I was seeking approval.
I ended up hurting myself in a yoga posture taking a photo and it changed my entire life. I still get pain where I hurt myself. It is a reminder of image and perfection. It is a reminder of showing off or doing things with the wrong intention. Also, hurting myself taught me about being a teacher to injured students and this is a gift that I can’t even explain. It has taught me about using props in class and stepping back from being the most flexible and working towards strengthening.
Today, I will put on makeup and care about my appearance. Today I will seek approval in ways. I will want to make others happy. I am still that sweet girl who acted tuff. However, I will make good choices. I will be sober and will not do things that my inner being doesn’t want to do. I will be guided not only by society and outward approval but by my inner being and spirit. I will not try to counsel people around me and forget about my own happiness. I will take care of myself and my own inner light. By shinning bright I will make a difference. I will continue to practice yoga not for the photo opt but for the way it makes me feel.
Even still I know that I have a way about me that, that little girl did for her own survival. I love that little girl. She didn’t know how to set boundaries at all and now that I know how to do this I feel truly free to be me. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for doing things from a place of love and not just of acceptance. The only approval that I need is from my higher power and myself. It is about doing better than you did yesterday. Doing our best with what we have and not comparing ourselves.
This life truly is a gift. I love myself today more than I ever have. Even still I’m always a work in progress and not perfection. This life is such a beautiful journey of remembering who you truly are.
I feel very heavy for many reasons. I feel void of creativity and me. I feel incredibly lost in the mix. I feel so much. It feels like a sad time to be alive and at the same time a special time to be alive. I sit right now with a cup of tea called, Positive Energy with raw honey melted to the bottom of the cup. It is my first sugar in four days. I need the positive energy today.
Yesterday, I felt so high I could explode with so much joy and today I feel a pit in my stomach gnawing with fear. How can a mind change so much in a day?
I try too hard to be perfect all of the time. I just can’t be perfect all the time. When I feel the need to be perfect all of the time I don’t truly live. I know why I am a perfectionist. I know it stems from childhood stuff. I can remember when I was 5 years old not able to sleep unless I organized my shoes all in a straight row. I like to have order in my home. I guess it makes me feel safe or in control of something. I see more and more with time that it is just a distraction from myself.
Another distraction I love is music. It helps calm myself. When I listen to music it helps my brain slow down. My brain wants to think and predict. My brain just wants to run the show. It is a messy hoarders house inside my mind. Outside of myself it is all clean and in order but inside I like to hide all the feelings I have. I have a lot of feelings. I feel so much that doesn’t make sense.
I at times feel like the little girl I once was would say that I am not who she wanted me to become. I am serious. I am a boring adult. I watch my kids play and barely know how to play myself. If I play I might not be ready for something bad to happen. I might not be worrying about all the things that could happen and it will for sure happen when I am dancing or playing. Wont it?
I used to dance when I drank. Now when I dance I am thinking way too hard about it. I feel stiff. I feel funny. I feel terrified. I also feel alive and fun. I feel like I’m doing something very important. I feel that little girl I once was is happy when I dance.
That little girl is so special. She is excited about life. She sees a butterfly and feels the feeling of flight deep in her soul. She sees the colors of the butterfly and is in awe of nature. She wants to follow the butterfly and not go to the bank or the grocery store. The butterfly calls her to be free.
Yesterday, I saw the number 555, 5 different times. It made me feel high. As I was telling my oldest how I saw the number 555, 4 times we saw it again together right at that moment. I feel like I am yearning for signs from spirit.
What is it to be stressed? I know that I can feel stress inside. It feels like stress is tension. We walked passed broken glass today. Stress sometimes feels like you are going to drop something. Stress makes you feel like you are going too fast. Stress makes me feel tired.
Most of the time I think I do good with stress. I have a strong faith that we are here for a reason. I have a strong faith that I am being guided. I believe in good. I know that I am not here to be dehydrated of my joy. I know that a lot is out of my control. I also know that I need to have days where I feel heavy so that tomorrow maybe will feel lighter.
The little girl and this woman I have become are good. We are fun. We are empathetic. We are so very kind and thoughtful. We are trying our best. We make dinner every night and pay taxes. We dance and even play. We think ahead. We change our diet even when our mom isn’t the one telling us to stop eating chocolates every day. We do so much on our own. We go to dentist appointments and pay our bills with auto pay. We even sometimes follow a butterfly and then wonder what the butterfly knows.
We are a mess on the inside sometimes and sometimes we let the floors get dirty and dance barefoot in the mess because life is usually good when it is messy. Who cares what anyone thinks. Who cares what the woman thinks when the girl should be running the show. She is pure love. She deserves to lead sometimes. She knows how to live. She knows what is important. Then the woman steps in and brushes her teeth and takes her vitamins. We are both doing pretty good. We feel less heavy after writing this.
Yesterday, I celebrated my 9 year anniversary of sobriety from alcohol. It brought up the memories of how I felt 9 years ago and the choices that I made. It was a hard time but also so beautiful. It was a time where I chose life and myself.
9 years ago, I was starting to drink on a daily basis. I would drink mostly red wine. I was realizing that my drinking was becoming a problem. My husband was noticing as well that I had a problem. I would try to hide my drinking from him. I started to buy boxed wine so he could never see how much was in the box. I would go into the kitchen to refill my cup and I would go in the laundry room and chug a glass and then refill it before going back to be with my family.
I was raised around this kind of drinking. It is really all that I knew to be able to handle life and my sensitive heart. I grew up with eating disorders and was addicted to cigarettes by the time I was 15. Addiction was a big part of my life at a young age.
Growing up, I always was the one who would black out when I drank. I wouldn’t even have to drink that much and I would not remember what happened. I would starve myself and then drink on an empty stomach. I remember my friends almost taking me to the ER one night when I was 15. I mostly stayed away from alcohol and smoked pot because I was scared of drinking.
At 22, a year after my mom died I started to drink beer and didn’t black out as much from it. I got a DUI at 23. I got pregnant at 24. When I became a mom I started to drink red wine. I thought that is what mommy’s do. I wouldn’t start drinking every day until my late 20’s.
In my late 20’s I started to drink while I cooked dinner. I can remember looking at the time and would make sure to not drink until right at five o’clock. I started to go to a bible study and would have social anxiety and would have some wine before I would walk over to the class. I would go to a couple woman’s groups that would have drinking but I would never drink around them. I wanted everyone to think that I had my life together always worrying what everyone thought of me.
Jumping ahead to 9 years ago, it was the first year that my husband was going to be working in California. I decided while he was gone that I would get in shape and work on myself. I also realized I could drink as much as I wanted because he wouldn’t be able to know or smell it on my breath. I was starving myself to try to lose weight. I was working out every single day. I look back and see photos of myself and I was already so skinny.
My son and I were going to fly out to California and then meet my husband and go to Disney Land. I was terrified of flying. I was getting the worst anxiety about it. I made an appointment with my doctor to get some type of medication to help me with flying. I got 5 pills and I don’t know what they were but she said it would help with the fear of flying and calm my nerves. I then got anxiety about taking the pills. I was afraid that they would make me feel weird or that I might get addicted to them. I was just so fearful of everything. I was afraid to do anything alone.
I ended up flushing the pills down the toilet. I continued to starve myself and drink at night. The night before our vacation I went to my sisters for dinner. I barely ate and drank some wine. I got a ride home and had another couple glasses of wine. I put my son to sleep in our bed and went to take a shower. I almost blacked out in the shower and started to throw up. I got out of the shower and fell asleep in the bed.
The next morning I woke up late with throw up all over the bed and on my face. I had to be ready in a few minutes because my sister was going to be coming to take me to the airport. I had the worst hang over and the worst guilt. I felt like the worst sister, mom, and wife. I just felt terrible. This would be the last time that I would ever wake up feeling this bad.
On the airplane, my hangover was painful and my anxiety was constant. I remember starting to think that I couldn’t live like this anymore. I made a discission to not tell my husband about what had happened. Our first night we went out to eat and I had one beer. I didn’t drink really for the next couple of nights. I thought maybe I can just cut back. After a week of fun at Disney and at the beach we headed to Las Vegas for a night on our way home. We got to Vegas late on Ash Wednesday. I was starting to really be a part of a church and read the bible at the time. I thought it was weird that we arrived in Sin City on Ash Wednesday.
In Vegas, I tried to get a martini with my almost 8 year old son. I think I thought it would be a fancy drink and one would give me a good buzz. They told me they couldn’t serve me with my son with me. It made me upset inside and embarrassed. I felt like such a bad mother. We left that next day and went home. I didn’t drink at all at home. I went to church on Sunday and it was the start of lent. The paster looked out at us and I felt like she was looking at me when she spoke about giving something up. I decided to give up drinking for 40 days.
It was hard to stop drinking for those 40 days but in the back of my mind it made it easier to know it was for only 40 days. It was the week before Easter and my 40 days of sobriety. I laid in bed and thought about my future. I could only see darkness. I knew if I kept drinking that I would lose everything and would die from it. It scared me. I saw online that there was an Al-anon meeting that night. I went to the meeting and finally realized that I would always be an alcoholic no matter how much self control I tried to have.
The next morning, I called a man with AA and dumped all of my alcohol out and decided to stop drinking all together and try to never drink again.
It hasn’t been easy. However, now I feel like the person that I have always been meant to be. I feel fear and anxiety still. I feel my eating stuff come up still. I feel like a bad mom even at times. However, today I feel so much more powerful inside. I feel like I have so many tools that keep me on track. I might get off track mentally but I know how to turn myself back around. I don’t only take steps back and mostly am taking steps forward.
I’m by no means perfect but there is an innocence that comes from being sober. I feel deeply that God can speak to me better when my body and mind are clear like a child. I have traded most of my fear for faith. I have learned to have boundaries. I love myself even if I’m not super skinny. I still have an addict inside of me. I have depression at times but it doesn’t last long and for this I am grateful. I feel free of so much by my choice to stay sober. I can love deeper and see clearer. I feel strong.
This morning as I parked my car to take my dogs for a walk I glanced at the machines demolishing our towns outdoor swimming pool. I felt nostalgic thinking of all of the memories we have had at this place. It is where I got to feel a sense of community in the town when we first moved here. It is where I would feel deep peace and relaxation. It is where I would listen to children laugh as I watched my son with his friends enjoy the true meaning of summer. It is where one summer day, I was reading a book and had the most profound God moment crying under my sunglasses filled with joy and strong faith. It was the children’s laugher that always has been the best part of the pool.
I have to admit that I have grown to feel addicted to younger children’s joy. I taught yoga this summer at a camp and it filled me up so much. I would go to teach the kids something and like always I would leave knowing that with kids I almost always feel like a student.
Kids eventually grow up and get older. It’s not that I don’t love adults and feel they are important but there is something about being young that truly is special. To have dreams and to not care too much what others think. To be mostly thinking about how to have fun. Sigh…..it is a beautiful thing.
I was listening to Stevie Nix this morning and her song Landslide was sung but by a different artist. The cover of her song is by the artist, Dagny, and it truly spoke to me. Thinking about change and here she is singing exactly what I am feeling in this moment and even if I have heard the song so many times I listened differently today. “Well, I’ve been afraid of changing ’cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder. Children get older. I’m getting older too. Well, well, I’ve been afraid of changing ’cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder. Children get older. I’m getting older, too. Well I’m getting older too. So, take this love and take it down. Yeah and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around.”
I know you all have heard this song a million times. I remember listening to it when I was 15 when I was a hostess at a bar/ restaurant. The bartender had an old Stevie Nix VHS tape of her live in concert and I fell in love with this song. This morning though, I didn’t just hear it and sing along, I felt it deeply.
To realize that life is always changing may be scary or maybe you find it exciting. I guess sometimes when I love so deeply or enjoy moments I get attached. I am reminded that all things shall pass even the good moments. Life is about many ups and downs.
On my walk yesterday, I thought about how I truly want my goal to be to not get too high in the highs of life or too low in the lows. To be grounded in whatever comes my way. I am not saying that overnight this is going to happen but I will try. Life has a pattern and I see it. Today, I might be really happy and tomorrow I will feel different. To wish to feel like you did yesterday is a waste of time. You could do all the same things you did yesterday but not feel the high that it brought because we are supposed to feel many things and it isn’t always going to be a good feeling.
The Earth is ever changing. We have changed our planet in a million different ways. The planet is also changing itself with every moment. The only constant is change. You can fear it , or you can learn from it, and accept it.
I watch my son grow. He makes me proud but he also is learning life’s lessons on his own terms. I remember when I was a teen my parents had a hard time navigation the change. They truly didn’t know how to handle it. I remember with every mistake I made my mother started to look at me differently. I feel this is a great lesson for me as a mother today. To love unconditionally is to love even when someone makes mistakes. It is truly a hard thing but making mistakes is part of growing into a fully formed human being.
More than anything I have learned to not search for happiness in others. You must be happy with yourself and then whatever joy comes along has to be a bonus.
The pool is being upgraded and we will have a brand new one for next summer to make many more memories at. In the future, I will keep reminding myself that it isn’t the kids only that I love but how they bring out the kid in me that I love the most. I will continue to look at my son with deep love as he navigates this world and becoming a man. I will trust in the change that is coming with our home selling at the end of the month.
Bravely we all move forward. The train of life doesn’t stop because we want to hold onto a moment. Life is like a roller coaster ride that you can hold on tight to or just let go and enjoy the ride. I will chose to let go and enjoy the ride of change.
Arise Within 