Arise Within

One year ago today, I woke up and felt strong. I knew in my heart that it was the day to make a change. I truly felt God was helping me answer my prayers. I had been praying for a long time that my addiction to marijuana would go away but with each day it was like the addiction clung to me tighter. On this morning, of October 1^st, 2017, I somehow felt lighter than I had in a long time and was sure that it was my day to make a change. I decided to take a friend up on the offer to go to the Sunday morning AA meeting.

In the meeting I met others who understood me in ways that most people that I know don’t seem to understand. I have never been the type of person to have a couple drinks or one hit of pot and then go days with out. I have never been the type that can let a bottle of wine go bad. I have often times been the person who wants to drink every last bit of alcohol present and smoke pot until I pass out.

I think the first time I got high I was maybe 12-13 years old. It made me dizzy and throw up. I didn’t really start smoking habitually until I was 16-17 years old. At this age, I fell in love with the way pot made me feel. I loved how I didn’t care about anything and that really felt like a load falling off of my worrisome heart. I smoked pot regularly until I was 24. When I say regularly I mean every single day. Most of the jobs that I had in that time span I didn’t smoke at but I would smoke every night. There were times though were I hated my jobs and would be high at them.

Drinking came in later. Yes, I did try drinking but I was always the one who would get sick so I kind of learned young to fear alcohol and I would never really start drinking until after my mom died. The first year after my moms death I was so high that I barely remember that entire year. One year later, at the age of 22, I started to play with drinking and going out with friends. I found that I could drink beer without getting sick. I loved how much alcohol made me feel lighter and more confident. I loved how I could release and even dance without fear. It was a perfect solution to what I thought were my character defects. It was a perfect way to let go of my pain and grief. Until, I was in jail.

My DUI was the greatest gift of my life and then next it was getting pregnant with my son. I couldn’t drive the entire time I was pregnant. It was terrible. I had to ride the bus to work everyday with morning sickness. If I couldn’t get a ride I would ride my bike to get groceries even in the winter. I got my license back weeks before my son was born.

After my son was born, he lit up my world. I felt amazing and it was such a beautiful time. There was a lot of times though were my sons dad and I struggled a lot. It started to get really hard even if I was feeling so happy about our child together the tension was terrible. I started smoking pot and even remember vividly buying my first bottle of red wine. I thought that it was totally normal for moms to have wine because that is what the world portrayed. I would have a glass here and there and even the smoking pot wasn’t a regular thing. I thought that I had all of this under control and I did for the most part for a while.

After a year of really trying to make things work with my sons dad we ended up separating right before our child’s first birthday. It was hard and scary but I knew in my heart that we would be friends one day and it would be better for all of us. At this time I was scared but also very hopeful. I was really thin and had anxiety a lot but overall I was actually happy. I just wanted to be a good mom and that was all that really mattered to me at this time.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t date for that next year. I broke that promise to myself and I think that is the only promise that I am happy about breaking to myself. I met my husband and right away we became fast friends and then started our relationship. Twelve years later, we are the happiest we have ever been. One night we had friends with us and I decided to take a hit of pot. I had the worst anxiety that night. Derrick my husband said that maybe I shouldn’t smoke it if it made me feel this way. I really didn’t smoke after that day for many, many years. However, this is when I started to play around with drinking because after all, it didn’t cause me anxiety….well at least not until the next day after drinking.

It still wasn’t a crazy amount of drinking but if there was an opportunity when my son was gone with his dad I would be the one who would end up blacking out. I have always been a light weight so it wouldn’t take much. I didn’t start drinking regularly until I my son was about 4. Still, even at this time I would have a couple drinks a night but I started to want a couple drinks every night. This is when I started to rely on those drinks. I feel like at this time a lot of my past was coming up for me and I just was struggling with myself so much that it was a perfect solution to let it all go and have a glass or two of wine every night. During this time I also worked at a pub and started to drink while at work. Three years of working there without a drink and at the end I just really needed it to get through my shift. It truly is amazing how fast this addiction can slip in the door without you even barely noticing it is happening.

We moved to a new town and I wanted to make new friends so I got to be a part of a few different groups. At first, I became a part of a church book group and I would have wine before I would go. I could walk to this group.  I thought it would take the edge off and make me confident and open to have a glass of wine before the group. The other two groups that I was a part of for a couple years both had to do with drinking wine and I fit in really well. The only thing is I noticed that I didn’t want anyone to know that I drank, just like in high school I would hide that I smoked cigarettes, I didn’t drink much if at all in the two groups that I was in. I would much rather drink alone in private which was a big sign of something weird starting to happen.

I started to get depressed. I noticed that I only really got happy when I had a drink. I started to feel reliant on the bottle. I started to see my drinking as a problem and not a solution. My dad who had many years sobriety at the time and still does was living with us. Looking back now I know that he was a part of my reach for a better life for myself and my family.

My last night of black out drinking was the night before I was to fly out to California with my son to meet my husband for a trip to Disney Land. I have always had a fear of flying and it was really coming up. I even went to the doctor to explain my anxiety about flying and she prescribed me some pills to take before the flight. I really felt so worried about myself getting addicted to the pills that before I even tried one I flushed them down the toilet. I decided that I could fly and maybe it would be different this time. The night before, I got black out drunk. I hadn’t been eating very much during this time because I was trying to lose weight even though I was skinny already. I had a few glasses of wine on a pretty much empty stomach and that is all that it took to knock me out. I woke up the next morning to vomit all over my bed and a half an hour to get ready to leave for the airport. I remember my sister picking me up to drive me to the airport. I felt the worst guilt and shame. I felt the worst headache of my life. I realize now after going to therapy that I think I don’t always know how to enjoy moments that are good because they don’t feel right so I might try to sabotage things because that feels more right for me.

On the flight, I wasn’t scared because I was too busy feeling guilt and shame about blacking out. My son didn’t even have a clue what was going on with me but I knew and I also knew that I couldn’t live like this anymore. It was my rock bottom. Some peoples rock bottoms didn’t consist of only a few glasses of wine but for me enough was enough. I spent my trip in quiet shame. I didn’t tell my husband what had a happened. I had one beer at dinner one night and than one more in Las Vegas even though I felt a cold coming on. We were in Las Vegas on Ash Wednesday. I thought it was funny to be in Sin City on that special day.

We came back from our trip and I can’t completely remember if a drank a little in those days. I think I did but it was almost 6 years ago and it is fuzzy now. I do know that on that Sunday I went to church and the pastor seemed to be looking right at me when she spoke of giving something up for God for Lent. I knew in my heart that I needed to give it up for a better relationship with God and my family. 40 days later, of sobriety, and I started to get really scared. When I would go to sleep I would imagine what it would be like after the 40 days were up and I could only picture darkness and it scared the hell out of me. That day I looked up Al-Anon and they happened to have a meeting that night. I went and realized that I was an alcoholic. I was silent the entire meeting thinking that I would escape and never tell a soul what I had realized. I went to leave and two women stopped me. I ended up admitting what I had realized. They gave me a number to a man to call for guidance in AA.

The next morning, when I was alone I called him. I dumped out all of my alcohol in the house. I later called friends and family members. I decided I wouldn’t get help from AA because of a few words the man had said on the phone made me really not feel it was the place for me. I haven’t had a drink since, February 17^th, 2013.

I tried to stop drinking without much support. Yes, I had my friends and family and they were amazing and tried their best but I didn’t have much going for me that would truly help support my journey. There is really no excuse as to why marijuana crept into my sobriety. It came here and there through out the years and then it stayed for a couple years. Being an adult and a mom it felt really wrong to have an addiction come back from my childhood even if it was legal. I truly felt so weak. You might remember the character in the, “Lord of the Rings”, named Gollum. I felt like getting high was like the ring was for him. Marijuana became my God in a way. Marijuana promised me to help me with my depression and heavy heart. It promised me to take away my worries of the world. It promised to slow my mind. It promised so much but it took so much from me as well.

I would pray almost every day to stop smoking pot and then I would find myself lighting up my pipe. I went to the pot shop and decided to buy a vape pin to see if maybe that could help me cut back on my smoking pot and be better for my lungs. I noticed that I wasn’t getting high enough and was missing the smoke aspect of it all. I continued to pray on my knees with tears in my eyes for a better life.

On my birthday last year, I was at a big conference for my husbands work. My husband was going to be the big speaker. I was so proud of him. He did an amazing job. I don’t know if seeing him so strong made me realize how small I felt but after his speech I was told I could go play by the river with our son and I took a hit of pot. I felt shame about my addiction so strongly. I felt very depressed about myself. I sat by the river watching my son swim and a lady came up to me. This same lady sat next to me yesterday in an AA meeting one year later as I received my one year sobriety chip. Over a year ago, by the river, she admitted to me that she was in AA. I was amazed. I thought she was so amazing and wrote for the paper and helped run some amazing things in our valley….how could she do that all? She offered to go to a meeting with me if I ever wanted to.

About three months later I gave her a call. I was ready. The time was right. I went to the meeting and after I met my sponsor, whom just now sent me a text to congratulate me on my sobriety. Later on that night was yet another mass shooting that happened in Las Vegas. The next morning, I woke up to the news but this time I was completely sober. I truly do think that the tragedy was so devastating but I used it as fuel to better myself. I knew in my heart that the world would be a little better, just a little, and a whole lot for me if I am sober.

Last year, October was the hardest and most beautiful months of my life. I started to let my sponsor into my life. I also was hospitalized and put into a mental facility. Even a year later and I am still not totally ready to write about what happened. I want to write about it so that it can heal and maybe help someone else but today is not that day. Today, is a day of celebration.

Today, I feel full. Today, I have dreams. Today, I don’t feel much anxiety at all and barely have this entire year. Today, I feel hopeful. Today, I am not hiding. Today, I am taking care of my body and mind. Today, I manage my time better and think of others. Today, I think about being in service to others. Today, I am not going to run from my problems. Today, I am not going to be selfish. Today, I am able to look in the mirror with love. Today, I am willing to see my faults and shortcomings. Today, I am able to forgive myself and others. Today, I don’t blame myself for others choices. Today, I don’t step back but forward. Today, I feel so damn strong and know that this is just the start. Today, I feel like an amazing mother. Today, I feel like a great wife. Today, I feel like I can actually inspire others. Today, I feel like I am celebrating my first birthday. Today, is the first time since I was 12 years old that I have went an entire year without altering my state of mind.

For me today is a big day but it is also just the beginning. I am so excited for life with my eyes open. For me this is how I need to live. I am so grateful for all of my family and friends who have listened to me and always fed my ears and heart the kindest words. Without everyone in my life I could not have done this. I also am beyond grateful for the lessons that have come from my loved ones that have died from this disease. I am grateful for AA, my sponsor, and my friend who first offered to go to a meeting with me. I am grateful for my father whom paved a hopeful path in front of me. I am grateful for my husband who really has only drank a handful of times since I stopped drinking and who has been my greatest support. Also, I am grateful for my son who always makes me laugh and be a better person. I am grateful for my sister who always listens and has the best feedback from her heart. I am grateful for yoga. I swear yoga has been everything to me on this journey.

Today, more than anything I am grateful for divine timing and for God answering my prayers.  It has been a magically up and down year of growing my faith.

If you read this far you are a true friend. If you read this far maybe my story resonates with you in some way or you are just curious but I am grateful for you either way. Sending love always.