Since I was a young girl I have cared what people thought of me. I can’t even tell you when it started because its all that I can remember of myself. I have always wanted to make people happy. It started with my parents approval and then it went with me to school and with my peers. I also wanted people to think I was beautiful because our society always has seemed to worship beauty.

Somewhere along the road of life I found out how I could get attention and approval.  A lot of the time I didn’t get attention by being a good girl so I did the opposite.  I also started to notice how you looked on the outside really seemed to matter so much.  I could see how my friends who wore brand names got more popularity.  

When I was in 4th grade my parents made the hard decision for me to repeat 3rd grade. This is when the story that I wasn’t smart started (this is for a different post). I right away made new friends but did get made fun of a little about going back a grade. I decided to make fun of myself. I started to act weird to keep people on their toes. I thought if I was funny and rebellious that could get me attention. That year I stole mail from a mailbox with friends. This started my path to rebellion.

By 5th grade, I was smoking cigarettes on the play ground and burning money because I would say that I hated how society was. It is really funny and sad to think about. My teacher saw me smoking on the playground and when she brought me into the office I said that I was pretending to smoke on an ink pen and I called her a bitch. I got my first in school suspension. I remember thinking that I was bad. I know now that I just was looking for attention and approval. I wonder now if I did it to make people think I was tuff? At the age of 11 I would sniff markers to try and get high.

Also at this time I was starting to care about my appearance a lot.  I started to wear makeup and want to dress nice.  I also remember being depressed seeking approval constantly.  I was also boy crazy.  I would seek approval of the boys.  I started to hang out with new friends that were also like me.  Still there was this need to make people happy.  It’s like my tuff side was just there to hide my kind and sweet side.  

I remember having to go talk with the counselor at the school about something.  She was so nice and gentle.  She listened to me and looked me in my eyes.  I remember this moment so well.  I decided that day that I wanted to be a counselor.  I wanted to help people.  However this didn’t serve me well because I would attract people that were hurting for all of my years of school including myself.  I didn’t really know I was hurting at the time.  I just thought something was wrong with me.  I again thought I was bad.  

Then began eating disorders, drug use, unprotected sex, sneaking out, stealing, lying, and the list goes on and on. I also see now that I would do anything for anyone. I would try to help anyone that I could to get their love. I see that my family life was hard. At the time though it is all that I knew. I can’t talk bad about my parents. They truly were doing the best that they could. I can say that my mother and father were dealing with their own stuff from childhood. I see now that I was acting out because of society and my family. I see I so badly wanted attention and love.

Jumping forward to today, I am still this girl.  I see it so much at times.  I still want approval and attention.  Sure I feel I seek both approval and attention in healthy ways mostly but I still see this young woman inside of me today.  I still care so much about my appearance.  In a lot of ways I have always felt bad for caring about my appearance and now I have worked on feeling ok with caring about it.  It just makes me feel good to take time for my body and appearance.  I used to do it for others but now I will just do it when I’m at my house just for me.  

Being skinny is something that I have tried hard to let go of.  When I got completely sober 5 years ago I gained about 35 pounds.  I realize when I was smoking pot it made me anxious all of the time and would take away my appetite.  Now, I feel like being less anxious and a little fluffier is better than feeling literally crazy all of the time.  In 2021, I lost 20 lbs.  It felt really good.  I had to really watch everything that I ate.  It made me feel crazy again.  I got vertigo and felt angry a lot.  I gained all the weight back in a couple of months.  Now, I don’t even weight myself.  I eat what I feel like eating.  Yes, I would like to eat less of somethings and more of other things but overall I feel pretty good about how I eat.  

Speaking of today and on the topic of approval and attention I feel like talking about social media.  Since My Space first came out I got addicted.  I loved it for many reasons.  I do think it came from a healthy space.  It was like an online journal or place to have something of your own to share.  I have spoke about this before but when my mother died I craved information about her and I feel like social media is a place to hold memories.  I just instantly loved social media.  

My phone reminds me of things from many years ago.  I even find things that I posted when my first son would say funny things when he was little and those memories are priceless.  Somewhere along the line though I started posting yoga photos.  I remember thinking it was a good way to stay with the practice and in a lot of ways it really did help me connect with other yogis and practice more.  Then I started to get addicted to the approval and the image.  I would want to take a photo everywhere we would go.  I don’t think it was a bad thing but I see how in some ways it would take away from many moments.  It motivated me in a lot of ways but I also see how it was another way I was seeking approval.  

I ended up hurting myself in a yoga posture taking a photo and it changed my entire life.  I still get pain where I hurt myself.  It is a reminder of image and perfection.  It is a reminder of showing off or doing things with the wrong intention.  Also, hurting myself taught me about being a teacher to injured students and this is a gift that I can’t even explain.  It has taught me about using props in class and stepping back from being the most flexible and working towards strengthening.  

Today, I will put on makeup and care about my appearance.  Today I will seek approval in ways.  I will want to make others happy.  I am still that sweet girl who acted tuff.  However, I will make good choices.  I will be sober and will not do things that my inner being doesn’t want to do.  I will be guided not only by society and outward approval but by my inner being and spirit.  I will not try to counsel people around me and forget about my own happiness.  I will take care of myself and my own inner light.  By shinning bright I will make a difference.  I will continue to practice yoga not for the photo opt but for the way it makes me feel.  

Even still I know that I have a way about me that, that little girl did for her own survival. I love that little girl. She didn’t know how to set boundaries at all and now that I know how to do this I feel truly free to be me. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for doing things from a place of love and not just of acceptance. The only approval that I need is from my higher power and myself. It is about doing better than you did yesterday. Doing our best with what we have and not comparing ourselves.

This life truly is a gift. I love myself today more than I ever have. Even still I’m always a work in progress and not perfection. This life is such a beautiful journey of remembering who you truly are.