I feel very heavy for many reasons. I feel void of creativity and me. I feel incredibly lost in the mix. I feel so much. It feels like a sad time to be alive and at the same time a special time to be alive. I sit right now with a cup of tea called, Positive Energy with raw honey melted to the bottom of the cup. It is my first sugar in four days. I need the positive energy today.

Yesterday, I felt so high I could explode with so much joy and today I feel a pit in my stomach gnawing with fear. How can a mind change so much in a day?

I try too hard to be perfect all of the time. I just can’t be perfect all the time. When I feel the need to be perfect all of the time I don’t truly live. I know why I am a perfectionist. I know it stems from childhood stuff. I can remember when I was 5 years old not able to sleep unless I organized my shoes all in a straight row. I like to have order in my home. I guess it makes me feel safe or in control of something. I see more and more with time that it is just a distraction from myself.

Another distraction I love is music. It helps calm myself. When I listen to music it helps my brain slow down. My brain wants to think and predict. My brain just wants to run the show. It is a messy hoarders house inside my mind. Outside of myself it is all clean and in order but inside I like to hide all the feelings I have. I have a lot of feelings. I feel so much that doesn’t make sense.

I at times feel like the little girl I once was would say that I am not who she wanted me to become. I am serious. I am a boring adult. I watch my kids play and barely know how to play myself. If I play I might not be ready for something bad to happen. I might not be worrying about all the things that could happen and it will for sure happen when I am dancing or playing. Wont it?

I used to dance when I drank. Now when I dance I am thinking way too hard about it. I feel stiff. I feel funny. I feel terrified. I also feel alive and fun. I feel like I’m doing something very important. I feel that little girl I once was is happy when I dance.

That little girl is so special. She is excited about life. She sees a butterfly and feels the feeling of flight deep in her soul. She sees the colors of the butterfly and is in awe of nature. She wants to follow the butterfly and not go to the bank or the grocery store. The butterfly calls her to be free.

Yesterday, I saw the number 555, 5 different times. It made me feel high. As I was telling my oldest how I saw the number 555, 4 times we saw it again together right at that moment. I feel like I am yearning for signs from spirit.

What is it to be stressed? I know that I can feel stress inside. It feels like stress is tension. We walked passed broken glass today. Stress sometimes feels like you are going to drop something. Stress makes you feel like you are going too fast. Stress makes me feel tired.

Most of the time I think I do good with stress. I have a strong faith that we are here for a reason. I have a strong faith that I am being guided. I believe in good. I know that I am not here to be dehydrated of my joy. I know that a lot is out of my control. I also know that I need to have days where I feel heavy so that tomorrow maybe will feel lighter.

The little girl and this woman I have become are good. We are fun. We are empathetic. We are so very kind and thoughtful. We are trying our best. We make dinner every night and pay taxes. We dance and even play. We think ahead. We change our diet even when our mom isn’t the one telling us to stop eating chocolates every day. We do so much on our own. We go to dentist appointments and pay our bills with auto pay. We even sometimes follow a butterfly and then wonder what the butterfly knows.

We are a mess on the inside sometimes and sometimes we let the floors get dirty and dance barefoot in the mess because life is usually good when it is messy. Who cares what anyone thinks. Who cares what the woman thinks when the girl should be running the show. She is pure love. She deserves to lead sometimes. She knows how to live. She knows what is important. Then the woman steps in and brushes her teeth and takes her vitamins. We are both doing pretty good. We feel less heavy after writing this.