Yesterday, I celebrated my 9 year anniversary of sobriety from alcohol. It brought up the memories of how I felt 9 years ago and the choices that I made. It was a hard time but also so beautiful. It was a time where I chose life and myself.

9 years ago, I was starting to drink on a daily basis. I would drink mostly red wine. I was realizing that my drinking was becoming a problem. My husband was noticing as well that I had a problem. I would try to hide my drinking from him. I started to buy boxed wine so he could never see how much was in the box. I would go into the kitchen to refill my cup and I would go in the laundry room and chug a glass and then refill it before going back to be with my family.

I was raised around this kind of drinking. It is really all that I knew to be able to handle life and my sensitive heart. I grew up with eating disorders and was addicted to cigarettes by the time I was 15. Addiction was a big part of my life at a young age.

Growing up, I always was the one who would black out when I drank. I wouldn’t even have to drink that much and I would not remember what happened. I would starve myself and then drink on an empty stomach. I remember my friends almost taking me to the ER one night when I was 15. I mostly stayed away from alcohol and smoked pot because I was scared of drinking.

At 22, a year after my mom died I started to drink beer and didn’t black out as much from it. I got a DUI at 23. I got pregnant at 24. When I became a mom I started to drink red wine. I thought that is what mommy’s do. I wouldn’t start drinking every day until my late 20’s.

In my late 20’s I started to drink while I cooked dinner. I can remember looking at the time and would make sure to not drink until right at five o’clock. I started to go to a bible study and would have social anxiety and would have some wine before I would walk over to the class. I would go to a couple woman’s groups that would have drinking but I would never drink around them. I wanted everyone to think that I had my life together always worrying what everyone thought of me.

Jumping ahead to 9 years ago, it was the first year that my husband was going to be working in California. I decided while he was gone that I would get in shape and work on myself. I also realized I could drink as much as I wanted because he wouldn’t be able to know or smell it on my breath. I was starving myself to try to lose weight. I was working out every single day. I look back and see photos of myself and I was already so skinny.

My son and I were going to fly out to California and then meet my husband and go to Disney Land. I was terrified of flying. I was getting the worst anxiety about it. I made an appointment with my doctor to get some type of medication to help me with flying. I got 5 pills and I don’t know what they were but she said it would help with the fear of flying and calm my nerves. I then got anxiety about taking the pills. I was afraid that they would make me feel weird or that I might get addicted to them. I was just so fearful of everything. I was afraid to do anything alone.

I ended up flushing the pills down the toilet. I continued to starve myself and drink at night. The night before our vacation I went to my sisters for dinner. I barely ate and drank some wine. I got a ride home and had another couple glasses of wine. I put my son to sleep in our bed and went to take a shower. I almost blacked out in the shower and started to throw up. I got out of the shower and fell asleep in the bed.

The next morning I woke up late with throw up all over the bed and on my face. I had to be ready in a few minutes because my sister was going to be coming to take me to the airport. I had the worst hang over and the worst guilt. I felt like the worst sister, mom, and wife. I just felt terrible. This would be the last time that I would ever wake up feeling this bad.

On the airplane, my hangover was painful and my anxiety was constant. I remember starting to think that I couldn’t live like this anymore. I made a discission to not tell my husband about what had happened. Our first night we went out to eat and I had one beer. I didn’t drink really for the next couple of nights. I thought maybe I can just cut back. After a week of fun at Disney and at the beach we headed to Las Vegas for a night on our way home. We got to Vegas late on Ash Wednesday. I was starting to really be a part of a church and read the bible at the time. I thought it was weird that we arrived in Sin City on Ash Wednesday.

In Vegas, I tried to get a martini with my almost 8 year old son. I think I thought it would be a fancy drink and one would give me a good buzz. They told me they couldn’t serve me with my son with me. It made me upset inside and embarrassed. I felt like such a bad mother. We left that next day and went home. I didn’t drink at all at home. I went to church on Sunday and it was the start of lent. The paster looked out at us and I felt like she was looking at me when she spoke about giving something up. I decided to give up drinking for 40 days.

It was hard to stop drinking for those 40 days but in the back of my mind it made it easier to know it was for only 40 days. It was the week before Easter and my 40 days of sobriety. I laid in bed and thought about my future. I could only see darkness. I knew if I kept drinking that I would lose everything and would die from it. It scared me. I saw online that there was an Al-anon meeting that night. I went to the meeting and finally realized that I would always be an alcoholic no matter how much self control I tried to have.

The next morning, I called a man with AA and dumped all of my alcohol out and decided to stop drinking all together and try to never drink again.

It hasn’t been easy. However, now I feel like the person that I have always been meant to be. I feel fear and anxiety still. I feel my eating stuff come up still. I feel like a bad mom even at times. However, today I feel so much more powerful inside. I feel like I have so many tools that keep me on track. I might get off track mentally but I know how to turn myself back around. I don’t only take steps back and mostly am taking steps forward.

I’m by no means perfect but there is an innocence that comes from being sober. I feel deeply that God can speak to me better when my body and mind are clear like a child. I have traded most of my fear for faith. I have learned to have boundaries. I love myself even if I’m not super skinny. I still have an addict inside of me. I have depression at times but it doesn’t last long and for this I am grateful. I feel free of so much by my choice to stay sober. I can love deeper and see clearer. I feel strong.