For five years my husband and I have tried to have a baby.  I struggled really hard with wanting something that I wasn’t getting and not trusting in Gods plan for us.  I felt having a baby would make me happy and give me an identity.  I felt like having a baby would help me make more friends.  Today though, I am more content  than I have been in a while.

My husband Derrick and I have a 13 year old.  I met Derrick when my son was only 1 years old.  Derrick has been a wonderful step father to my son and been there through every milestone over the years.  It really hasn’t been easy co- parenting with his biological father but we have made things work and been a great team.

Before Derrick and I got married we never really thought we wanted to have a child of our own but marriage came and went and we felt ourselves wanting to have a baby together.  I just had always felt our family was so complete but than something shifted inside of me and I started to really want to have a baby.

At first, I feel I truly just wanted to have a baby because I wanted to experience it with my husband.  I felt like I wanted to make it happen because he had said he wanted to and because he wanted to have a baby it made me want it as well.

Time went by.  I noticed right away that my husband didn’t seem that worried about me not getting pregnant.  I on the other hand started to really let it get to me.  I felt really sad about it and frustrated.  I felt like I was too old or inadequate.  I felt like a failure.  I really didn’t realize at the time that I was starting to become obsessed with having a baby.

When my son, Elliot, first started Kindergarten was the first time I realized that being a mom had become my identity.   For five years, I had for the most part gotten to be with him a lot of the time.  Suddenly I was alone a lot of the time.

When Elliot started kindergarten I was working for our business but I had a lot of time alone at home.  I started to feel a little lonely, so I started going to yoga again and taking time for myself.  I made friends and started to really feel good.

Not too long after this I made the decision to stop drinking, and we started to try to have a baby.  I swear I couldn’t see it at the time but I started to make my circle of friends in life really small because of my sobriety.  I think that it was easier to make friends when I drank.  Slowly but surely I looked to mostly my son and husband for friendship.

Every single month I would do a pregnancy test even if I was late by a day.  I started tracking my ovulation.  I went to a doctor and got my husband and I tested for fertility and did a few procedures and even took a fertility medication that made me feel crazy.  I started to feel really depressed.  I felt sorry for myself.

One winter when my husband was working away I started to get really sad and felt extremely depressed.  I started to notice how I was wishing to have a baby to have an identity.  It’s almost as though I got addicted to my sons joy when he was younger and now I didn’t know how to create it for myself.

Instead of following my own passion in life or following my dreams I wanted to have a baby again to buy time instead of to add to my already full life.  I was thinking that my life was lacking and wanted to add a child to it to make my life more full and to not have to be alone.  I started to really become aware of this about myself and that was the first step to making a change.

As hard as I could I tried to stop thinking about it.  I tried really hard to let it go to God and his plan for me in my life.  I started smoking tons of marijuana at this time.  It really is embarrassing to admit this but it happened.  Things overall seemed to get better in my life.  I was high most of the time so I didn’t feel as much worry or sadness.  Instead of feeling things I was sort of in a daze.  I felt less worried about having a baby and felt like pot helped me laugh and feel joy.

Fast forward to today and I am completely sober.   I truly feel mostly content with being alone and feel content not having another child.  I still struggle with my child growing.  I know that might be a crazy thing to say but it is so bitter sweet at times. Derrick said once, “Elliot has always been your little side kick for all of these years and he is growing and wanting to be with his friends of course it would be hard for you.”  Sometimes someone says something and you just realize in that moment what you had been feeling and this was one of those moments.

Mommy has been my identity for so long and I have loved every minute of it and truly feel lucky to have experienced, and still do, all the good and bad moments but now it is time to do my thing and to follow my own dreams.  I will always be my sons mom for all of time but I don’t feel anymore that he is my excuse for not living my own life.  Even if it scares me to follow my own dreams it is super exciting.